Sunday, February 08, 2009

Project in Progress

THE BIG CLOCK says 6:15 AM. In exactly one minute, a northbound train will arrive at Ayala Station. Among those waiting: a well-dressed call center agent, a ten year old with a ridiculously big backpack, a faux-blonde girl reeking of alcohol, and a tall young man in thick steel-rimmed glasses.

There will be frenzied pushing and cursing when the train comes and everyone gets on board. Not everyone will be comfortable when they get inside. The call center agent, sandwiched between two men, will get an embarrassing hard-on. The ten year old will be seated beside a woman who looks like her mother. The drunk blonde will worry about her make-up dissolving in sweat. The tall young man will lose his glasses.

But everybody will eventually get to their destinations, except one. The poor guy does not know it yet, of course.

to be continued

13 comments:

Herbs said...

zomg. you have an awesome blog too!

you should try coming to this place I go to every sunday :)
they're really good.

Niel Camhalla said...

I have why's and how's in my mind already. I still don't know if they will be answered later in the story.

Hmmm...question: what will be the effect if you removed the sentence? "Not everyone will be comfortable when they get inside."

Good detail on the call-center agent. It's just one statement but it describes both the condition inside the train and the character of the agent.

Victor Gregor said...

@Herbs: where's this place?

@Niel: Re "Not everyone will be comfortable when they get inside," I actually intended it to tie-up with another statement: "But everybody will eventually get to their destinations. (Except one.)" But I do think it may be too redundant.

About your whys and hows, I'd appreciate it if you could tell me some of them. Just so I know if the beginning is raising any unexpected questions. Hehe. Thanks.

gentle said...

wow, is this gonna be the beginning of a novella? excited din ako sa mangyayari! never tried doing prose, takot ako. hehehehe.

Victor Gregor said...

@gentle: i do not know yet. i plan to just keep on writing and see where it leads me. the story has an ambitious premise (as you will find out soon). this story actually has a huge potential... to sound contrived and affected. LOL. well, we'll see. : )

to all: i can manage vicious attacks. i do not weep easily. trust me. : )

Niel Camhalla said...

These are the questions that came to me while reading:

1. Why did the drunk bother about her make-up? Do drunks ever do that? I'm thinking there might be a story there which can be told later.

2. How did the kid get to sit while the others didn't? I'm thinking this could be elaborated to give more character to the kid or maybe to the one who offered her a seat.

3. How did he lose his glasses? Is he clumsy? How did he look for it? That is if he did. I think it can elaborated to further show character. Maybe later in the story?

peripheralviews said...

Linisin mo na lang ang lingwahe mo, ayos na ang lahat. Basically, you need to restructure some of the sentences just to polish it more.

Kudos!

Herbs said...

victor. i just emailed you the Bob's contact number. and with some of my brain farts with it lol :)

Victor Gregor said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Victor Gregor said...

rejoinder to gentle's comment: i'm not sure if this qualifies as a novella. more like a comics-type, collection of sudden fiction that kind of tells a single narrative. does that make sense? lol.

@niel: thanks for the questions. i wasn't surprised about some of them, but as for the others, i went "oo nga naman, bakit nga ba?" lol. i will do my best to do justice to these interesting characters. if they do not seem fleshed-out enough or not interesting enough, please do not blame them; they are interesting people. i'm just lousy. but we'll see!

@peripheralviews: alin kaya ang mga sentences na medyo awkward? i'll be glad to tweak them a bit.

@herbs: thanks. i'll text bob. i'll google UU.

peripheralviews said...

this one: But everybody will eventually get to their destinations. Except one. The poor guy does not know it yet, of course.


i love the point of what you are trying to go to... but if you could try restructuring it a smoother manner. probably it will more effective... i dunno. its just a suggestion! it will still be your call.

Niel Camhalla said...

But everybody will eventually get to their destinations. Except one. The poor guy does not know it yet, of course.

Maybe he wanted it to be this way...

Everybody will eventually get to their destinations, except one. The poor guy does not know it yet, of course.

Victor Gregor said...

@Niel: you know what, that does sound better. Will have the corrections done.Thanks Niel and Peripheral. : )

I'm also on Wordpress!